It is funny

The Future

kawan — Wed, 05 May 2010 15:47:35 +0000

I have not fully contemplated this anywhere else so here goes.

So I managed to obtain a place in an esteemed university of my choice.

Oh, life! It seems like my fate is now sealed now that there is no contender to this university offer. And to do History!

I have images of myself on campus running through my mind occasionally, which creates an escalation of my hopes & further encourages me to read more, learn more, be the ME that I have always been & to express that ME fully! It just feels so stupendously insane, so impossible. And yet, deep down in my heart, I’ve always had a place for that university & He was listening.

It feels great. It feels like (finallyiamappreciatedformypotentialsiamworthitsoiAMcapableandbrightafterall). No senseless rejections. It is ironic that a foreign country can recognise your abilities when your own country don’t want you.

Anyway,

This is it! There is no reason for me to give up. I know that I will gain so much from this, and that I will flourish as well, and would never feel restricted from fully realising my potentials as was the case the past 2 years.

I will prepare myself & face what comes my way, ay!

In the most overused phrase ever, I would like to reiterate: I simply can’t wait!

The Talk Last Night

kawan — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 23:21:22 +0000

I never thought it would be this easy – it was like a rejection slapped in the face. Slapped, because he talked about it like it was something so small and so silly of a conversation; Slapped, because he was sending sms-es in-between telling me all of this. Slapped, because he was telling me we can’t date because of religion differences.

And Slapped, because he didn’t seem much affected by the whole scenario. It made me wonder if he actually did like me more than just friends at all, even if a week ago, I could sense that he did and that he actually did confess to a friend. Yet maybe his casualness was what made the whole thing less hurtful than what it could’ve been.

It was supposed to hurt. But I didn’t – and that made me smile inside. Maybe it was because I knew this would come – I had expected it. It was too good to be true, falling for a Christian who like me too, and him having so much in common in the things that I liked. His friends & my friends who talk to him kept hinting that he does like me all this while but that he’s suffering inside too, and maybe it’s true. But it just wasn’t enough for him because of religion and that really pulled the trigger.

I know he’d get his Christian girlfriend someday as he always wished. God may well be “marinating” him for that girl, as he keeps saying. Christians must have a life partner of the same religion, as both must be saved, and both must be together in their submission to God. That’s what he thinks anyway. For me, my views are a little simpler and possibly just too open for him. I believe that it’s alright to be with or marry someone of a different race or religion, and still love him for that love for God. We could both love God and believe in Him, only we go about it in different ways/prayers. To me, it is or was not a problem at all.

All this while, in the process of trying to get over him before he even had that talk with me, I tried to let go. And it worked a little. Yet, I still thought about myself and how hard it’d be to find a great guy who could see past the exterior (hijab, what people would think). Or maybe a guy who could see all that and even my interior and still love me for that.

But when we were talking about it in the car last night, when he muffled his, “Yeah I kinda like you but you see…” and continued his awfully made-to-sound casual speech, I felt alright. Suddenly, it was like I knew there’d be another guy for me – the one who’d really like me for who I am, who’d take care of me, who’ll be mature in thinking and words, who’d probably share the same interest in poetry, music, science and humour as me, who’d really put his arms around me and assure me that though the world can be cruel, he believed in me and won’t let them get to him, me or us.

But that guy won’t come too soon, I guess. I don’t think I’ll be meeting anyone any time soon (and I mean after Form 6). It’ll be hard, and maybe, I won’t ever meet that someone, you know? But even if that happens, I know that I can survive the world. I still and always will love myself, and my soul, and I know I won’t ever change myself to suit another person, that what counts is who I am, and not what I could or should be for someone else. And that is what I really want to keep more than anything else.

He has been so nice to me and I know he always will be. I know we’ll still be friends – in fact, I believe we’ll be the bestest of friends – and we’ll hangout and do the things we’d planned to do, like going to the city for music gigs, watching plays, going to the beach to see the shooting stars… I can even picture us still joking and talking as the close friends we’ve been, and I can see us sharing everything, even telling each other about our girlfriend/boyfriend over a nasi kandar session, and having a good laugh about the world.

And perhaps that’s the ending we both need. God has a reason for everything, right? I believe in Him and I know He’s smiling up there and wishing us well. I feel his blessings upon me and I believe that He will always look after us.

I don’t ever want to lose contact with him, not because I liked him, but because he’s such a great guy to talk to. Maybe not in certain areas, but I know I can share things with him as I can’t even with girls. I hope he’ll find a really good girl which he had better tell me about (so that I can give him advices haha!) and I hope I’ll find my guy.

Inside, I feel a sort of relief because we had laid it out (however messily) last night. Sure there will be that tinge of hurt inside because there was this tiny hope that it could be different. It is a natural thing. But the fact that we’re best friends and will definitely remain as best friends no matter what overwhelms that extinguished hope so that everything becomes alright.

I really am liking all of this, and I can’t wait for the coming day. This is truly an experience and I do feel like I am growing. God really will marinate us for something or someone better, haha, but in the mean time, we’ll be chillax-ing and being there for one another as the best friends that we are and always will be.

Thank you, God, for everything.

Wake up

kawan — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:16:09 +0000

As MJ sung, “Guess I’ll always be a dreamer”, eh.

Guess I’ll have to get rid of all that hope that I’ve found someone different and just live the day through, ordinarily.

Guess I should just concentrate on the exams and nothing else.

Isn’t it funny how it turns out.

We’ll just be best friends even if it hurts inside to know we’ll only remain so.

Differences Only Outwardly

kawan — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:46:10 +0000

He sings his praises for Jesus and holds tight to his cross while she tugs her scarf and prays for a good Ramadhan.

What an odd making, but as these two souls sat side by side on the corridor, one could see how well they complemented one another. They could talk about the universe, about everything, and about nothing, and still feel comfortable in each others’ presence as they gaze into one anothers’ eyes, seeing the possibilities that could be.

Best friends, they were. Soulmates, perhaps. Lovers? Who said it was impossible?

Yet they weren’t, as it is. Fires in their hearts wishes against it, but society won today. Life never played a role in being fair or not. It was society that set these injustice.

Suppressed :(

kawan — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:39:44 +0000

I wonder if he hurts inside, too, or am I just a tool (and a hopeless fool). There was so much between us even in just this one week – too much, in fact, to ignore. Words aren’t meaningless inventions one can throw at anyone as they please, for words are the cause of emotions, feelings, and actions.

Is it so hard to come out and tell me? Do you mean all that you say? Tell me, please.

Tell me also your worries and hopes, and fears, sorrow and happiness. I want to know, I want to hug you and let you know it’ll be okay, and we’ll find a way.

I need an indication to at least know that you are mature and above everyone else, as I thought you’d always been.

): Don’t leave me hanging. Don’t hurt yourself, and don’t hurt me, too.

Unreal

kawan — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:35:28 +0000

Going for the school trip to the city was the best mistake I have ever made this year, I think. I cannot describe the multitudes of emotions that are building up in my chest (and causing some hormonal actions that I can sense from the adrenal glands) whenever I begin to reflect upon the school trip us Sixth formers made last weekend. Okay, so not all the Sixth formers went, but one small group of my friends did, and oh-ho golly, where do I begin?

Before the whole trip, I’d started to regret signing up for it, seeing that the major exams were only a few weeks away, but on the day itself, I was getting pretty psyched up. The bus trip itself was an indication of how the whole trip was like, and I prolly should feel guilty for feeling this way, but I really enjoyed myself there and wish I could go once more. It’s been a day after the trip but I’m still stuck there in the city, in the bus, in the craziness of the people I’ve had the opportunity to hang out with there.

And more than ever, I think I’ve found something. A soulmate perhaps. I think I’ve found him.

It is the same guy I mentioned in passing in my June blogpost. I know I’ve mentioned I’ve gotten over him, but as we were in the bus to and fro the city, we really talked (in total, 10 hours!) about everything, even about our religions and childhood. And it was really special, and I could sense that he felt it, too. He even gave me a small gift after the trip and he seems to treat me differently from everyone else but I can never be too sure.

Yet I know for sure that there is certainly something extraordinary about this, and that it could just be. Who knows?

Touching Briefly

kawan — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:39:12 +0000

I have such amazing teachers. In all honesty, I love them and am happy I have had them for the past two years. In many ways, Sixth Form was a good choice.

I think God has been so kind to me, especially for the past few weeks, and I really can’t say thank you enough. With His Will, all will be well in the coming months. I do hope to make them proud as well as the 123s, and Papa, who cried on Family Day. I’ve never felt that much peace in my heart for such a long time.

They are angels. I truly undoubtedly believe that Pn. D, N & M are angels in disguise, no matter what background, race or religion. It seems they are the only kindred spirits I have in school. Thank you, God!

More on this soon enough. The world makes me grow and glow!

Just an update after hiking (fuh!)

kawan — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:24:04 +0000

So far, a bazillygillyzillion things have happened. For example, me falling for a guy, then realising he’s not the one for me, me going to the beach several times, me hiking!, me playing the guitar, me being closer to my schoolmates (although I feel there is always lack of substance in our conversations), me reading books, me walking a lot more from and to capoeira class, me PRACTISING and LOVING capoeira, me hanging out with family more, me being human, me realising what wearing the hijab means.

Yes, a lot has happened. I would love to explain more, but after having hiked to and from a local beach today, I’d like to relax with a book in hand (Murakami today) and a nice fruit juice by my side.

It’s a nice evening that should not be wasted on the computer.

Ta!

J’apprends le français depuis il y a une année

kawan — Sun, 24 May 2009 08:40:14 +0000

J’ai observé un film français hier avec mon professeur français et les autres étudiants. C’était une comédie, titre, “Le Crime est Notre Affaire“. C’est une adaptation de film du livre par Agatha Christie. Extrêmement amusant et drôle! La Prudence serait un caractère intéressant pour passer des soirées avec. Haha.

Knots

kawan — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:34:36 +0000

Sometimes I feel like a heavy knot, clenched in a bundle, restricted, but still a mess. Everything is so stiff, stifled and muffled. All that was full of potential, died of staleness.

My current consolations leave me dry only because they remain goals rather than reached achievements. I dream of sailing through the As I need, of spiralling myself in that roda without any interruption in my flow, of smooching green tea ice-creams and overlooking the sandy bay, of writing, writing and living in this world in total freedom as I pursue and indulge in the journey of knowledge that this world is so in abundance of.

I want to do all that. Learn on my own, teach, be an activist, writer, historian, everything.

I want to go kayaking, do rock-climbing, fencing, muay thai, globe-trekking, most of all, do capoeira. I’d like to go to Brazil and examine plants and animal species in the rainforests. Film people laughing, film cultures, film nature, film fetuses. I’d like to educate.

And besides all that, heck, I wouldn’t mind falling in love, too, and having my own children to love and teach. I’d like to make those motherly connections, make mistakes, teach them to live and learn in life, teach them to be observant, inquisitive, creative, imaginative, and beautiful forever. I’d like to encapsulate their childish wanders and memories forever and inspire them.

I’d like to inspire.

I want to be a scientist, an archaeologist, a biologist, a physicist. I want to learn and master french, spanish, italian, finnish, mandarin, hokkien (lu ho bo?), latin, arabic, brazilian portuguese. I’d like to cook fantastic healthy and yummy food for everyone. I’d like to engross myself in literature, in John Keats’ odes, in Hamlet’s soliloquies, in Alice’s Wonderland. I’d like to solve Mathematical questions and prove that truth is beauty, beauty truth.

Is that all we know on earth, and all we ever need to know?